Lesson 157. Stop comparing and start appreciating.

I'm dreadful at comparing myself to people.

I sat in a second year recital tonight and prayed to the good lord that the ground would swallow me up before my turn tomorrow night. They were sensational. 

Then a good friend took the stage and brought me to tears. Everything about how he presented his music to the way his heart jumped off of his sleeve and ran to every single member of the audience caused a change of mind. I realised it's better to just appreciate the talent around you.

Stop comparing, see everything as an individual expression of heart that is just as beautiful as the next. It's not about the biggest set up or meticulously thought out plan, if your heart is in what you're doing there's no use comparing.

So stop. Stop comparing and start appreciating. Every little bit is beautiful. 

Lesson 156. Give someone your bumble.

My flatmate has a hot water bottle cover she calls bumble. It's a bumble bee, although sometimes she argues that it's a cat when she gets lost in nostalgia and mistakes anything slightly furry for her beloved fat cat.

My flatmate knows me. She knows when I'm sad and she knew it last night. So she told me I could have bumble for the night. Bumble then sat on my belly for the evening and provided a little comfort.

It wasn't even bumble that made me feel better. It was the gesture. The giving up of something for another's happiness. The grand sacrifice we see so little in our self absorbed bubbles. She doesn't know how much it means to me, and she probably won't (Until she reads this, in which case, Hi Lou. You're excellent.)

Give someone your bumble.

Lesson 155. Appreciate the people you can share your shoulder's worth with.

I had a dinner date with an old friend from school tonight. I hadn't seen in her in almost a year and things have changed more than I could've imagined. She's madly in love and headed for the aisle sooner rather than later and I'm quite the opposite. Nonetheless, there's nothing like talking to someone who knows your heart historically and it didn't take long for the honest, less than beautiful parts of our lives to be told.

"I'm seeing a therapist" I said. "I'm seeing a counsellor" she said. And we both burst out laughing for a solid 60 seconds. It was a bizarre thing to laugh at, but I think it was the moment we both realised that neither of us had it together and neither of us could pull off pretending. It was precious, a moment that stood out to me as pivotal.

It's the moment you realise that we're all messy. That your shoulders are just as heavy as mine and your eyes just as tired. That we all carry things we wish we didn't. It's the moment where you realise the battles you fight are just as wearying as the next persons. More importantly, it's the moment you realise you don't have to fight alone or try to hide what you're fighting. 

It's not something to be ashamed of, though it's not something to shout from the hilltops, it's a simple fact of life that should be shared between friends. It's something we all have to learn how to walk alongside one another with, and it's a special tie to hold to one another. I'd rather look at it like that. That in seeing her messy and in turn her seeing mine, we shared a moment that went beyond a simple superficial relationship. It ran deeper than liking the same sitcoms or having the same taste in music or males and it took it's form as an honest piece of information. 

Appreciate the people you can share your shoulder's worth with. 

Lesson 154. Be okay that they don't have answers.

It's a Friday night and I'm full of questions. Why is it socially unacceptable to attend movies alone? Why is there an office party across from my building and why does it mean I have to be fully clothed at all times? Why are my flatmates studying? Why are they ignoring my attempts to distract them via interpretive dance and excellently thought out skits?

Okay so you might be able to answer a few of them, but I'm definitely struggling. My point is, I'm riddled with unanswered questions and so are you. I don't get the twists and turns life takes me on. I don't understand why people and feelings change, I don't understand my heart and it's strange rhythms and I certainly don't understand yours. I know you've had your moments where you've stopped and asked why and further discovered that there's not a whole lot of logic behind the way that things are going for you. 

I've found an answer: there isn't one. Sometimes things just happen, and sometimes they'll break your heart but just as they'll break your heart they'll make your heart. Good things happen all the time and we don't even think to question why. 

So it's time we learnt to deal with them the same way. Acceptance and ultimately hope. Hope that the sun will rise on the horizon just as it did the day before and you'll learn to deal with the cards life deals you. We aren't always going to have straight answers, and when we don't, sometimes it's best just to accept and to hope. To know that it's okay to have questions and it's also okay not to have answers.

It's a Friday night and I'm full of questions, and I'm okay that they don't have answers. 

Lesson 153. Get back on a different horse.

I have a fun sized filipino friend who I often discuss the highs and lows with. Today was no exception. 

We were talking about falling down a failure. About losing it. About reaching the point where you feel like you just don't know where to go or what to do. And then I said "I guess you've just got to get back on the horse" and she said "Well I don't like this horse, get on a different horse"

She didn't realise it, but what she said struck me. I decided I was going to witter on to you lovely lot about it because I realised it's something we all need to implement.

Getting back up and starting over doesn't always mean getting back to where you were or even who you were. It's about getting to where you're supposed to be and who you've been headed for being all along. The old horse was suited for you then, the things you used to do and the way you used to ride life. But you've out grown it and it's time to accept that getting back up doesn't mean living the same way that you always have, it means getting on a different horse. Whether that means taking on a different attitude, trying something scarier, or simply accepting that things are not going to be the same, it's the healthiest thing for you.

When you fall off, get back on a different horse. 

Oh, hello again.

T'would be correct to assume you've been sorely neglected. It's been almost a month since you and I engaged in our wondrous ramblings of life and her obscenities. To say that I'm sorry would be an understatement, I suppose I've been at a loss as to where to start. Now I've found the place.

The place is here, the task is starting over. Start starting over.

Let's just say in the last month, everything has changed. I've broken hearts, I say hearts because I somehow broke my own in the process. I've battled the heaviness in the pit of my stomach at the light of dawn, the tears that come at the most inappropriate of times (like when I'm watching infomercials or listening to rap music) and I've been searching for sanity amidst the pieces.

The place is here, the task is starting over. I'm starting to start over.

I'm getting out of bed, I'm getting dressed and today it won't include fat pants nor my oversized sweater. I'm deleting the sad playlists and I'm acknowledging that cookie dough is not a staple food item. I'm determined to be silly again, so determined that tonight I got into my swimsuit and pretended to go swimming on my flatmates floor, I'm determined to take life less seriously. I'm determined to see each day as an opportunity to be a part of change in a messy world and to live in a way that makes that statement ring true. I'm determined to trust, to love and to see life in all it's glory. My eyes have never been this open.

I've missed you dreadfully. Welcome back dear friend, take my hand and let's start over.