Friday, November 1, 2013

Lesson 192. You love who you love.

John Mayer is coming to New Zealand and I don’t even know where to begin. Clearly, the only appropriate music to listen to when experiencing such elation is the man himself, so I popped on Paradise Valley tonight and lay on my floor.

I like to put my feet up on the ladder that leads to the turret and put my fairy lights on the setting where it feels like they’re breathing with me. I like to just be and I like to just believe that one day I’ll find someone with as much appreciation for John Mayer and fairy lights as me and when I do I’ll marry him before he even knows what he’s changing my last name from. Tonight as I lay on my floor and pretended that the rest of the world didn’t matter and that I don’t have a really scary exam tomorrow, I realised something in my heart that I’d often discussed in my head but never really felt before.

Naturally, it was John who prompted it. I say naturally because if you’re listening to John Mayer and you’re not having life revelations you’re probably not listening hard enough. "Who You Love" has been played 42 times in the last three days and I couldn't be happier about that. In the first verse, our boy John says "I've tried to run before, but I'm not running anymore, 'cause I've fought against it hard enough to know, that you love who you love" and its been running circles in my head ever since. I love the concept of stopping the running routine that so many of us have going on. I love the idea that its a good thing to sometimes just sit in that love and accept it for what it is, outside of the fear of rejection or the uncertainty of tomorrow. I love the idea that love is stronger than the ultimate outcome, or our human inclination to fight it or run from it. 

I think this is because today I realised that there’s more to be celebrated than just the happy ending. I say this because I’ve been sitting straight backed in the cold arms of emotional numbness for nine months and 14 days and I had the revelation that feeling something, regardless of the outcome or the end product, is something to celebrate. The surrender to hope, to happiness, to letting someone in, is something we should be proud of and acknowledge- whether or not we end up with his and hers towels. We place too much value on mystery, on the elusive idea that loving someone who is emotionally unavailable is attractive, but it’s simply not true. Maybe the most attractive thing we can do is be honest, and instead of hoping for something from someone, just be content in the fact that your heart isn’t so broken after all. Hey, even through the heartache and the loss and the grief, by the grace of God your heart is still beating and even a slight change of pace or a flutter is a victory. It is a triumph. It is not to be belittled nor forgotten in pining for tomorrow, it is to be savoured and held onto for today. Because even if you didn’t get your happy ending, you know your heart is stronger than your hurt and that means that one day, you will. You love who you love, so be like John and stop running. Even if it doesn't go the way you planned it would, letting in and loving is something that will always stand as reminder that regardless of the devastation and heartache of life, your heart has the capacity to overcome. 

You love who you love. 

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